The toughest year

May 16, 2004

It's rare that I talk about personal stuff on this site, and I doubt this post will get very far in that regard, but I kind of wanted to get this out there. This has been the hardest year of my life. My mother passed away three days before I was to begin my first day of law school — clear across the continent (Florida --> California) and completely removed from friends and family. While I've made some great friends out here who have been more than supportive and have gone out of their way to be there for me whenever I needed it (not to mention everyone back home), the year has been more difficult than anyone will ever know. I kind of shut myself off from talking about my mother to just about everyone and backed away from any conversation that I felt was leading in that direction. Even now as I type this, I feel myself pulling away and not wanting to write about it anymore, though I've really said nothing (then again, a lot of that has to do with the fact that it's a little too personal for this site).

Oh yah, law school was pretty tough too — pounded out the last exam Friday morning (suffice it to say that from 12PM Friday afternoon to 6AM Saturday morning, a lot of fun was had). Finals obviously sucked (3-4 hour essay exams suck as a rule), but on top of that my mother's birthday was right smack in the middle of them and then Mother's Day was three days later. I was, quite literally, a walking ball of nerves and emotion. Those that really know me know that I'm an incredibly emotional/sensitive person and it has taken all of me not to lose it the past couple of weeks. I'll strike a lot of that up to an emotional disconnect that I've forced upon myself the last 10 months — I don't think I could have made it through school without it. That's not to say that I haven't had my bad moments throughout the year; I've cracked quite a bit and at times studying was nothing short of impossible.

Now, with one year of law school down the drain and some free time to think, I'm realizing that I haven't come too far in dealing with the pain of her loss. I don't know, I think I'm just incredibly scared to tackle it head-on, knowing all too well how fragile I am. I'm hoping the summer will allow me some time to reflect and finally come to terms with all that has happened. I have a habit (some would say a good one) of throwing myself into schoolwork, computer shit, and helping friends with personal problems. While this allows me to be wonderfully productive, now more than ever it has caused me to feel guilty for pushing other things to the back of my mind. I don't know. I need more time.

That said, I'm incredibly relieved that this [academic] year is finally over and I can step back for a bit and recollect. I wish I could open up more on this site (in general), but I don't think I can. It just doesn't feel right.

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